It probably does not surprise you to know that I love crime. I love lawlessness. I love people who are lawless. I love people who believe their actions carry no moral weight beyond their selfish ends. I love people who believe they can flaunt the law because there is no one who can stop them, and if someone does stop them there are no negative consequences.
And I’m not talking about President Obama. (But don’t you just love how he can explicitly flaunt the law and get away with it? Who’s going to stop my main beelzebud??? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love it!).
No, I’m talking plain old ordinary crime.
I am the author of crime, which is merely man’s name for what amounts to breaking God’s law (and, usually, his heart).
What does God have to do with crime?
Well, apparently a lot according to a pleasingly misleading headline over at CBS Seattle. The title initially baffled me: Study Finds People Who Believe in Heaven Commit More Crimes.
Vraiment? Etes-vous sûr?
Something seemed amiss, even to moi.
So I investigated a little, and found to my great satisfaction, that my instincts were correct, and my will on Earth is lurching along just fine; it was just another example of my media slanting a story (they thought) against Christians.
You see, my servants, after the arresting title (get it?), anyone who reads the story will find a different story. The very first line reads:
Believing if you are on a “highway to hell” could impact whether or not if you commit a crime.
What? I thought this was about belief in Heaven (note, also, CBS’s editorial mistake of not capitalizing the name of a real place).
Well, there was a heavenly slant. The article continues:
A study published in the scientific journal PLoS One by University of Oregon’s Azim Shariff and University of Kansas’s Mijke Rhemtulla finds that people who believe in hell are less likely to commit a crime while people who believe in heaven more likely are to get in trouble with the law.
Well, well. Let’s think about that statement for a moment, shall we?
Go ahead, think.
Because if you think for yourself about the above statement you will be rewarded by a great insight into my almost complete success in blinding the postmodern human mind.
Oh, OK, I’ll tell you.
Note the implications of the research above: people who believe in Heaven apparently don’t believe in Hell!
How can this be?
You see? The people who believe in Heaven commit crimes. But if they believed in Hell, the wouldn’t.
Who are these people?
Well, let me gloat: these are my people.
You see, Christians believe in both Heaven AND Hell (or else they would not be Christians)
But there are swarms of my misguided out there who live by wishful thinking, and who are apt to believe in Heaven, but believe Hell is a myth.
After all, if Truth were mere merely convenient, so that it conformed to what one thought about it, all those Heaven-not-Hell’ers would be on their way to paradise–crimes and all!
But . . .
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Oh, my. Pardonnez-moi, mes amis.
Of course, Truth is not changed by what anyone thinks about it. And you should see the Heaven-not-Hell’ers as they come tumbling down the chute through my wide-open gates! Suddenly those crimes come flooding back into their now-permanently depraved minds.
After all, Earth is the only place in the universe where there are beings who do not believe in Hell.
But no one stays on Earth forever.
So, of course, just like belief in God, everyone eventually believes in Hell.
So, my servants, let’s keep this study quiet. After all, if governments and societies were led by smart and wise people, they would once again teach little chillens the truth about Hell. And if that happened I would see many fewer startled faces tumbling into my kingdom. The study authors, in fact, “believe that the study raises “important questions about the potential impact of religious beliefs on global crime.”
Yes, it does.