My friends, for some reason many people believe I have some kind of magical power over humans, especially in the area of granting fortune and fame to those who sell themselves out to me. As Wikipedia notes, it seems that a “deal with the Devil, pact with the Devil, or a Faustian bargain is a cultural motif widespread in the West.” In general, the notion is that a person can offer his or her soul in exchange for diabolical favors.
You really want my favor?
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Apparently some do.
Thus, about a year ago I received a question on my “Ask Satan” page from someone named Simon who wanted to know how he goes about selling his soul to me. I answered it, I thought, in a post about a year ago entitled, Sell your soul to me? Uh, it’s already sold my friend.
But I continue to get inquiries, including this one just last week in the comments section of the very post that answered Simon:
“i want to sell my soul how i doin that now can some one help me.”
Then, just yesterday, also in the comments section of the post answering Simon, I got the following request:
“Satan i wanna join you,make md rich and famous.”
Do these people not read?? (Of course, it appears not, based on the fact that they can barely write).
So, once again, at the risk of divulging kingdom secrets, let me elaborate on the following, which I explained to Simon:
While I appreciate your interest, Simon, in fact no sale of your soul to me is necessary because unless you have escaped my captivity by the blood of Christ I already own your soul.
You see, my faithful servants, the very idea of “selling your soul” is misplaced. Your soul is already sold!
Your soul is already mine!
Why should I pay you with fortune, fame, or any other goodie when I already have your soul?
The only option for you at this time, my servants, is to have your soul redeemed!
The very thought.
But let me continue.
Pay attention, my servants, and you will be pleased to know that you need not appeal to me any longer to “sell your soul” to me. You can rest in peace (let’s hope) in the knowledge that by your very nature as a human being you already belong to me.
There was a time when the earth was inhabited by innocent human beings. I marveled at these creatures who were unlike any ever created. They were not mere animals. They were not angels. They were not God.
But these walking, talking creations had one attribute that practically drove me mad: they were made in the image of God.
The image of God! That’s what I wanted!
I tried to set myself up in the image of God and got punished with eternal damnation. And here were human beings that were made from the git-go in that very image.
I set out to destroy them with the only power granted to me–the power to lie, cheat, and steal by deceiving temptationistification.
And temtationsitificate I did.
There were only two of them.
So I had to act fast.
And I did.
And the only thing God did not create entered the world shortly thereafter: sin.
Now, you are asking yourself, what does that have to do with selling your soul?
Glad you asked.
That wonderful day in the garden I succeeded in tempting the first humans to sin, particularly that man, Adam. And just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, in this way death came to all men, because all have sinned.
Sin entered into the human race through that one disobedient man.
Every person on earth born of the seed of man is born a sinner.
Am I good or what?
You are a not a sinner because you sin; you sin because you are a sinner.
That is, you are born mine! I already own your soul by virtue of your being born of the seed of your father.
I am good.
The only human not born mine is one not born of the seed of man.
And that’s happened only once.
You see, then, you can relax. You are mine. And as such, my job now is merely to ensure that you do not ever understand that there is, in fact, someone who wishes to buy your soul.
Yes, there is a redeemer, one in whom you can have your soul redeemed through his blood, for the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.
There you have it, my friends. If I say any more I risk losing you to true riches.
As it is, I enjoy keeping you captive to my riches.
Yes, you do.
Now move along.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
What? I’m not good?
Oh yeah. That.